You’re better than this, John Ratzenberger

•February 4, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Today I searched the google for “Dengue fever” and came across this soft-complexioned sketch of a febrile (albeit married) Cliff Clavin.

You’d think landing small roles as a voice actor in every single Pixar movie would preclude John Ratzenberger from having to stoop to illustrated mosquito onslaughts, cold sweats and periwinkle shirts. But you’d be wrong.

I guess when we fall, we fall hard.

Screen Shot 2016-02-04 at 1.18.39 PM.png




Turning waterboards into wine

•January 21, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Why is it gas station marts and truck stops in rural areas sell the absolute weirdest crap, and then try to pass it off as artwork? Are they trying to dupe weary travelers and lonely truckers into impulse buying some shit-stained slice of local flavor—or as I like to call it, culture for those without a frontal lobe?

Or do they truly believe there’s a viable market for these:

Waterboarded_WineAnimals(I call this one Waterboarded Animals in Fetal Position)

Admittedly, the craftsmanship of these ceramic embodiments of animal cruelty isn’t terrible. However, just because something is passably made doesn’t mean it should be made (case in point, sex dolls for dogs). Not to mention, the disturbingly unnatural and overtly fellatic poses of these animals are impossible to ignore, only seeming to reinforce the whole hayseed-bestiality stereotype.

Or maybe I’m looking at it all wrong. Maybe I’m not the intended demographic here. Maybe there’s a rampant tchotchke fetish among small town denizens, and this inspired dreck has been curated for a local market. We’re simply passing through their weird little worlds…

Gaze at it through that lens, and I guess it is feasible that truck stops have become cultural epicenters for rural America. Like the redneck version of Etsy, only more analog.

If that’s the case then chalk it up to my own narcissistic small-mindedness for being out of touch with the aesthetically challenged. For the life of me, I just can’t imagine a world where anyone would buy this shit for unironic reasons.

And yet, journalistic ethics compels me to at least try and see both sides, to present a balanced viewpoint à la Fox News. So let’s play devil’s advocate and picture how an earnest purchase of this eye socket spice rack might go down:


CUSTOMER:   Is this a real human skull?

CASHIER:   Dunno. Might could be.

CUSTOMER:  (admiring skull)  Feels real… ‘cept it’s got all its teeth! (emits snorting horselaugh at his own joke) That sure ain’t real… (snorts again for good measure)

CASHIER:   (amused) Must’ve flossed or somethin’.

CUSTOMER:   So, which eye hole you think the salt goes in?

Cashier mulls it over, probing her own eye sockets with her fingers for an answer. She then confidently points at the salt shaker in the right eye socket.

CASHIER:   (points at right eye of the skull) Hmm, reckon salt goes in that hole. 


CASHIER:   (correcting) No, right.

CUSTOMER:   (admiring skull again) Well, she’s a beaut! My Loretta sure loves salt.

CASHIER:   Salt’s the best.

CUSTOMER:   Pepper’s good, too.

CASHIER:   Yeah.

CUSTOMER:   Mind wrapping this up for me? Ann’versary’s tomorrow.

CASHIER:   Sure thing, sugar. That’s real nice.

 And that, gentle readers, is that.

Gooooood morning, Ruth! Ruth! Baby Ruth!

•January 6, 2016 • Leave a Comment

At last! The long-awaited sequel to Good Morning, Vietnam, starring Sloth from Goonies.

Free tip:  If you want to tag a wall with a somewhat esoteric, late ’80s tribute pointlessly adapted to your city, try making it look like what it’s supposed to look like first. Maybe practice a few times before setting spray nozzle to brick.

That, or don’t have a palsy in your painting hand.


GooniesSloth(tell me the resemblance isn’t uncanny)


Cereal killer

•December 23, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Hate to racially profile here, but if I were security and some manic, hallucinatory, tiger-like creature matching Tony’s description walked in on two legs with a prehensile thumbs-up, a red neckerchief and a tendency to slur his Rs, I would probably pop a cap in his toothless mug without hesitation—identification badge or not.

Okay, maybe I’d just taser that freak, but the one thing I definitely would not do is let him through security.

Either way, pretty sure the stand-your-ground law applies to cartoon characters.


Giving Tree, my ass

•January 13, 2015 • Leave a Comment

This here is the Fuck You Tree.

Pretty sure this was the inspiration for barbed wire—only stabbier.


Low-hanging fruit

•December 7, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Sometimes you just have to say, “Fuck subtlety.”


Reefer madness

•December 7, 2014 • 1 Comment

Oddly enough, 3 out of 5 teens also agree that teenagers who armpit fart are probably covering up a real fart.

What kind of spurious, fearmongering statistic is this?

The only rational comment on this advert is the one tagged in Sharpie ink.


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