A simple yet sure-fire way to tell if someone has a major character flaw

Let’s say you’re just getting to know an individual (biblical sense inclusive), but you’re not yet sure if that person has both oars in the water upstairs. It’s time for the cereal conversation. Which begins like this:

“Say (your acquaintance’s name here), what kind of cereals do you stock in your pantry?

If said acquaintance replies that he/she only ever eats, say, Lucky Charms and nothing else, RED FLAG. Anyone who exclusively eats one kind of cereal (or even just two kinds) is seriously fucked in the head. I am not kidding.

Cereals are a mood food. That’s a fact. You cannot go through life eating just one type of cereal, unless you’ve: A) recently had a lobotomy; or B) got a serious character flaw.

Jeffrey Dahmer only partook of Count Chocula. Kirk Cameron is a devout Corn Pops man. Are you grasping the gravity of these words? For your sake, I certainly hope so.

The cereal method is an exceedingly easy, fail-safe and virtually undetectable technique in rooting out sociopaths—before you find yourself in the unenviable position of being skinned alive. Ever wonder why there are so few cuckoos in Luxembourg? Answer:  cereal interrogations. Unicerealism, as it’s known by high-ranking Luxembourgers, is a federal offense. And for good reason.

Now, if said acquaintance is gluten intolerant and thus possesses a cereal-free pantry, then gentle reader, you are on your own. My best answer would be to leave the gluten intolerant alone with their own kind. Or if that’s not in the cards, have someone you thoroughly trust (i.e., a multicerealist) vouch for their sanity.

Go forth enlightened.


~ by zactopia on February 5, 2010.

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