Ice dancing stains the Olympics
Am I the only one who was downright furious this past Sunday night, when NBC chose to air some two hours of ice dancing schlock instead of USA v. Canada hockey—arguably the most shocking and impressive contest of the whole Olympiad thus far (or any of 12 other sports I’d much rather be watching)? I mean, really? Really? That’s primetime TV real estate there, of a sports festival people wait four years to watch, utterly wasted on ice dancing.
Though I’m certain Bob Costas played little to no role in programming, I mentally and verbally punched Bobby in the neck for that one—and he’s a supremely likable fellow.
Who the fuck cares about ice dancing? It’s easily the most wildly banal sport I’ve ever seen. They’re not even real figure skaters. They don’t do those crazy airborne pirouettes, or anything else taking genuine athleticism. In fact, ice dancing rules actually disallow both throwing and jumping; so boredom is already built-in. Peeing your name in the snow takes more finesse. And if having to watch ice dancing once weren’t painful enough, the whole friggin’ competition is divided into three equally time-sucking components—compulsory dance, original dance and free dance. Three! I tell you, these people are sadists.
I love the Olympics, but ice dancers are not Olympic-level athletes. Not even close. And their costumes only reinforce such sore thumbness. These embarrassing ensembles are actually more absurd and emasculating than real figure skaters’ costumes—and that is REALLY hard to do.
Case in point (did the judges score for nasal accuracy or asymmetrical boogers here, because they are WAY the fuck off):
For the most part, ice dancers don’t even do original routines—for the OLYMPICS. They just do shit that’s scored well in the past and hope the judges haven’t tired of it yet. You’d think if you had four years to prepare, you might come up with a mildly novel routine.
Now, to be sure, figure skating alone is already a dubious, over-hyped event. Just look at this very scientific pie chart:
And that’s for figure skating. Ice dancing doesn’t even deserve its own pie chart. As a matter of fact, it’s an insult to graphs, period.
If ice hockey were rock n’ roll, I think figure skating could maybe pass for classical music (but not the really good stuff). And ice dancing would just be lowly, unoriginal, mind-numbing, soul-crushing elevator music—at best. On the totem pole of suckage sports, ice dancing is easily down there with shin-kicking:
Check that, they’re lower than shin-kickers. At least shin-kickers make me feel something. Like pity.
So get out of my Olympics, ice dancing. And stay out.