Drago’s still got it
Holy Dolph Lundgren! This could be the most complete performance in the history of wrong. Literally a festival of awful. It’s got nearly everything—including flaming marshmallows, a menacing Swedish monologue, ersatz Elvis, numerous dancing ladies, a 7-second drum solo, tuxedo karate and, of course, epic, swooping camera angles. If only he fucked a wild boar onstage then beheaded it with his bare hands (which he’s rumored to have done thrice weekly on the set of Rocky IV, with Brigitte watching), Dolph Lundgren would quickly supplant David Hasselhoff as the greatest entertainer alive. Who knew Ivan Drago was the da Vinci of cornballery? There’s really nothing he can’t do. And the adoring crowd eats it up like lard on a stick.
I’m sure this is just how Elvis would’ve done it; that is, if Elvis could bend spoons with his mind, beat the snot out of drums, shatter two-by-fours like they were newborn baby seals, karate chop a small glacier, and neither sing nor dance.
(Notice the impressive alertness of his fawning karate lackeys during the ice chop. Classic.)
Despite this terribly good show here, Dolph Lundgren is truly a gifted human. Not only does he still have all his hair and cut a svelte figure at 52 years old, but he was awarded a Fulbright Scholarship to MIT back in 1983, which he quit after two weeks to pursue his promising acting career (and oh, what a career it was). Dolph speaks seven languages (eight if you include the language of pain). He’s got a master’s degree in chemical engineering, an IQ of 160, and a 3rd degree black belt in Kyokushin karate. Plus, he killed Apollo Creed.
So at least he’s got that going for him.