39-year-old grandmother nearly saves humanity from demon baby
Sandra Clanton, a perfectly sane religious zealot in Elmhurst, Illinois, came oh-so-close to hastening the Second Coming of Christ, ushering in a Messianic Age of global peace and preventing the deaths of millions, when she slashed and nearly killed her grandson, claiming the 9-month-old was the Antichrist.
Did the 39-year-old grandmother (a feat unto itself) know something we didn’t?
According to highly accurate historical and eschatological texts, the Antichrist will take the form of a man indwelled by Satan. He will be endowed with tremendous, almost supernatural charisma. Using his devilish powers of persuasion, the Antichrist will bewitch millions of people into living and dying for him. He will brainwash otherwise freethinkers into following his ventures in a Jesus-like manner—except that his are evil and macabre crusades (which can only mean that Christ’s crusades, like the love-filled Crusades of yore, are not evil).
After 7 years of imposing his charming wrath upon Earth—causing untold suffering and carnage to Christ-lovers and Jews alike—the Antichrist will be smote down and cast alive into a Lake of Fire upon Jesus’s triumphant return. Much rejoicing, universal peace and brotherhood, and a zero carbon footprint for humans ensue. These are facts, people.
But I digress.
I just find it amazing that Sandra Clanton could recognize such charisma in a child not yet able to use words. Call it divine intuition, but that there is something special.
Being the liberal, godless, Palin-hating pigs that they are, the Chicago Tribune obviously supported the Antichrist cover-up by siding with Elmhurst police and the infant’s parents over Ms. Clanton’s version of the story. They then provided these slanted details on Clanton’s undaunted attack to save mankind from a baby who could potentially be more evil than Hitler and Napoleon combined:
Assistant State’s Attorney Michael Fisher told a judge that Clanton was in her kitchen Saturday with her boyfriend, the child’s mother and the 9-month-old infant ‘when [Clanton] went into a rage… She picked up the baby, slammed its head into the sink and took a large butcher knife and began slicing the child under an eye in a sawing motion…The infant’s mother grabbed the child and ran to the police station while the boyfriend wrestled Clanton to the floor,’ Fisher said.
Charged with attempted first degree murder, aggravated battery of a child and aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, Sandra Clanton is being held on $2 million bond. Hopefully the good Christian Tea Partiers of Earth will pool their resources, come to this martyr’s aid and bail her out.
As for the demon baby, his injuries were only minor. Foiled again, Jesus.