OPEN ON ARCATA WASTEWATER TREATMENT PLANT IN HUMBOLDT COUNTY, CA. A FREAKISHLY HANDSOME YOUNG MAN NAMED ZAC STARES VACANTLY INTO THE SEWAGE-LADEN CLARIFIER. HE THEN TURNS TOWARDS CAMERA AND FLASHES A TOOTHLESS GRIN THAT SWIFTLY MORPHS INTO A SMOLDERING LOOK OF INTRIGUE. HE SHOOTS THE DOUBLE GUNS, GIVES A SLY WINK AND AN EVER-SO-SUBTLE HIP THRUST, THEN BEGINS SPEAKING. THE AUDIENCE IS SPELLBOUND BY HIS WORDS.
ZAC: On April 18th, the world’s genetic pool lost an unexpected pair of testicles. I, for one, am okay with that. I think we’re all better off without them.
After dropping some bad LSD in the presence of friends and then attempting to enjoy their company, an unnamed 31-year-old dude began to “experience negative feelings.” I think we all can identify with the latter part of that experience. I mean, who hasn’t been hanging with friends when ZWAP! out of nowhere you feel morose, upset or inexplicably antisocial (a.k.a, “negative feelings”)? We all have. And if you haven’t, you are an inflatable piece of plastic and nothing more.
What makes this case special is how said unnamed dude reacted to said negative feelings. Fearing that his testicles contained “monsters,” he did what any rational hallucinating individual who believed his balls were demon-infested would do—he castrated himself, then flushed his testicles down the toilet.
Frankly, I see no other alternative.
CUT TO IMAGES REPRESENTATIVE OF THE INCIDENT.
ZAC: Fortunately, medical personnel and officers were UNABLE to locate the subject’s testicles.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Know your acid source, man.