Oh, the irony
Christ has officially returned to Earth.
And he has taken on the form of 22 baby snakes. More specifically, boa constrictors.
According to at least a trinity of doctors at N.C. State University, a female boa constrictor has given virgin birth to two clutches of baby boas—sans father or fatherly genetic material—in a manger-esque heated aquarium (NOTE: that last part is highly speculative).
Virgin births are exceedingly rare in vertebrates, and these particular snakelets have a chromosomal makeup never before recorded naturally in the vertebrate world. Point being, it’s a miracle. Jesus 2.0 has arrived. So let’s get fired and brimstoned up.
Consonant with the End of Days and other eschatological facts, quick-thinking Americans have responded by electing as many God-fearing Republicans into office as possible. Not only will this hasten the Armageddon, but it will make Americans appear more pious to the new cold-blooded Messiahs, as well as allow public officials to more readily put rational thought aside in anticipation of the Day of Judgment.
According to reports, upon being questioned the reptilian Baby Jesuses ambushed the suspiciously non-Christian-looking reporter, constricted him until death and then swallowed his lifeless body whole. They then proceeded to molt contentedly under a heat lamp.