Go back to Russia, puppy lovers
As most of you ignorant, godless liberals probably don’t know, Missouri has worked damn, damn hard to be worthy of the epithet “Puppy Mill Capital of the World.” Nearly 40 percent of the nation’s federally licensed dog breeders—not to mention scores of unlicensed breeders—lovingly call Missouri home. It’s our country’s largest wholesaler of puppies.
But just because a large percentage of the canines coming out of the Show Me State turn up in pet stores across the country with serious behavioral and/or health problems, does NOT mean we have the right to regulate these adorable factory farms.
Yet that’s precisely what such commie pinko groups like Missourians for the Protection of Dogs and the so-called Humane Society of the United States wanted to do when they put Proposition B—a/k/a the “Puppy Mill Cruelty Prevention Act,” a/k/a one massive conspiracy to ultimately outlaw animal ownership altogether—on the ballot this last November 2nd.
See, America’s pet stores depend on the mass production of puppies in Missouri to support their multi-billion dollar industry. And Prop B hawks a loogie and spits it in their faces, with such socialistic, anti-American regulations as: capping the number of breeding females at any one operation; requiring resting periods for females between breeding; and forcing breeders to provide such luxuries as sufficient food and water, veterinary care, adequate housing and enough room in cages so that dogs can “stretch freely, lie down and fully extend his or her limbs.” What’s next, obligatory walks?
Well, a veritable lynch party of Tea Partiers—including Anita Andrews, protégé of Eva Braun and executive director of the Prop B opposition group Alliance For Truth; and the terribly respected, unregistered pseudoplumber Samuel “Joe the Plumber” Wurzelbacher—soon rallied to support these poor, beleaguered puppy mills.
Joe poetically summed up the far-reaching implications of Prop B, calling it “just a stepping stone” toward a future “with no animal ownership, no meat to eat, no pets, no hunting, no fishing, no service animals.” What a frightening world that would be.
But rather than continue to use such an attention-span-requiring means of communication like words to express my point, let’s let clever Daily Show correspondent Olivia Munn give us some trenchant insight into this radical puppy mill witch hunt.Vodpod videos no longer available.
Though Prop B narrowly and suspiciously passed by a 52-48 margin on Election Day, enemies of the radical measure and champions of freedom continue to fight on bravely for the good of all puppy mills. Tally-ho, Wurzelbacherites.