Order yours before we find out it’s lethal
One thing I can’t abide is a stupid suggestion. It’s a flaw in character to voluntarily recommend something that sucks (unless, of course, you’re taking the piss).
So when I get a stupid suggestion, I just have to drag it out into public and beat it senseless.
Hence this post.
Recently the Great & Lidless Eye of Facebook slipped an algorithm’d “Suggested Post” into my newsfeed. Granted, I realize I’m using the word “suggestion” liberally here. But since it was in my newsfeed, I took note of it as I would a suggestion—even if momentarily. Which happened to be just enough time to realize that whatever creative team laid out the following post and crafted its call-to-action should be summarily neutered then sacked.
First thing wrong with the suggestion is the product—a quack rubber belt that purports to tone your abs, sans exercise. How pointlessly American.
Second, the message. Why would anyone rush to buy something before it gets banned? Besides books, I find items in a capitalist economy are generally banned for good reason.
What a shit-hideous piece of communication you are, suggested post. I have to imagine the creative process must have gone something like this:
ART DIRECTOR: What if we just, you know, showed a picture of someone’s rippling abs? Then people could like see what the belt does and maybe…want to buy it?
COPYWRITER: That’s so fucking dumb, Reggie. Way too obvious.
AD: Your nipples are way too obvious.
CW: Wait, what if we misled the customer on like, multiple levels—and that’s the whole ad?
AD: Keep going…
CW: Maybe call the Belly Belt like a “muscle tip” or something, so people won’t think we’re selling a bullshit product.
AD: Right, right, then the visual would be like some ‘roided-out freak of a man doing like, bicep curls.
CW: You can’t even see his abs!
CW: Needs some sort of urgency. What if we told people this “muscle tip” is about to get banned soon or some shit like that?
AD: What, for being too effective?
CW: No, for causing genital warts.
AD: But why would it be banned? It’s a rubber belt.
CW: Shut the fuck up—and stop fucking wiping your boogers under my desk, dude.
AD: What, I’m not!
CW: I fucking saw you ball it up and smear it.
And that, gentle reader, is how this terrible suggestion was most likely aborted into this world.
(UPDATE: So I’m thinking about buying this belt for my twelve-month-old daughter. That baby fat’s not gonna tone itself.)