You’re smoking it the wrong way

I could never write this, and that’s a harsh truth I have to live with.

As a copywriter by day—and often nights and weekends—I can say with certitude that this magically manic Japanese lighter commercial is pretty much impossible to beat.

Here’s why it’s so absurdly unignorable, in my semi-professional medical opinion:

1) It’s shamelessly pornographic. With his USB genitalia, this meth-lab-cooked, rechargeable man-whore of a lighter seems to fuck the shit out of any USB port he can shove his dongle into.

Jii even says, “Let’s take off my pants and go to sleep in a USB port,” and outright calls himself a gigolo. (For those not fluent in penislighter or Japanese, see translated version below.)

And what’s with the synchronized gyrating factory workers?

My biggest question is, why is an obviously gay pink lighter prancing about the globe, posturing as the enabler of masculinity? I mean let’s be honest, Jii’s dance moves are outta sight, just like Travolta’s—not to mention that pageant sash Jii wears at 0:39. What is Jii, a Scientologist? And why is everything in Japan about sex?

2) At 0:43, Jii’s hands turn human. Just for a moment, with the world resting in his ephemeral flesh, Jii knows what it’s like to be a real boy—er, incendiary device. Whether you consciously notice or not (to be sure, the commercial’s frenetic pace prevents you from processing the image), it strikes a subliminal chord of incongruous sympathy with Jii—but you have no idea why. Whatever it is, it’s fucking weird.

3) Somehow the notion that everything in the world can now be on fire is reason enough for a global orgy of Boschian proportions. I like that.

4) The characters are truly bizarre-looking, and their relationships nonsensical. Why would an electric lighter want to date and sleep with a matchbox or some geriatric tabletop lighter? Don’t they serve the same purpose? There’s no symbiosis here—hence Jii’s rampant promiscuity, confused satyriasis and inability to commit to, well, anything.

5) The jingle factor. What a blitzkrieg of annoyingly cheerful mnemonic devices that stay in your brain for days. And for some reason, they’re all English alphabet-driven. What?

Last and perhaps cleverest,

6) He smokes cigarettes backwards. Why? Because he’s a lighter. Brilliantly simple. Blatant fellatio.

And now, I give you the translated version, with English subtitles. Trust me, you’ll want to see it again. “I want to combine with you all!”

~ by zactopia on October 4, 2013.

One Response to “You’re smoking it the wrong way”

  1. That’s pretty sweet. Another reason you couldn’t write it is that you’d probably repeat D like you did (4) in your post, and “A-B-C-D-D-E-Jii!” just doens’t have the same alphabetic ring to it.

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