Dysfunctional intercourse

So I’m hiking along the San Andreas Fault and wouldn’t you know, I luck into the exact spot where the priapismic brain trust of Cialis must have found its inspiration.

I mean, where else screams, “Condom? I’ve been menopausal for years, you senile stallion!”

Tell me I’m wrong.

Normally I have no trouble following the none-too-subtle, pointlessly G-rated metaphors pervading American erectile dysfunction commercials. (Canadian impotence advertising doesn’t seem to suffer from this embarrassing puritanical condition, as you’ll note herehere and here… reason #37 to move to Canada.)

The Cialis outdoor bathtub imagery, however, has always kind of baffled me.

First of all, why two bathtubs? Why not one? Unless he’s planning on fucking the drain hole, chances for coitus improve immeasurably if they shared one clawfoot tub. As always, math prevails.

Secondly, who bathes in al fresco bathtubs with no obvious plumbing in a first-world country? Certainly not two affluent middle-aged white people about to have sex for the first time since the Clinton administration.

What’s more, these tubs of rapidly cooling stagnant water are petri dishes for E.coli—not to mention boner-fighting agents of shrinkage and pruneage. If anything, the unconscious message of freestanding tubs—that you’ll never lay any pipe with Cialis—is counterproductive at best.

And thirdly, what the fuck do bathtubs even mean? Is it simply the only time a sexually disinclined couple might find themselves naked and in somewhat close proximity? How tragic. All the more so because it was sold through to the client as a viable icon for sexual activity. It’s obvious this trope was created by younger people who didn’t want to imagine their parents having sex, or heavy petting of any kind.

Perhaps they tried to extrapolate Kirk Cameron’s philosophy to sex?

Or maybe it’s something visual and subliminal that all of us are blatantly missing, like the arrow in the FedEx logo? Here, squint your eyes at the next image. Do you see a shred of sexual imagery here, even in the negative space?


I see two morbidly obese midgets attempting to hold hands (and just barely, at that) as they waddle into the sunset.

So, negatory on the subconscious mindfucking front.

The reality is, outdoor bathtubs are not sexy; they’re discarded rubble. And the only O-face going on here is formed by empty spigot holes.


Your move, Cialis.


~ by zactopia on January 30, 2014.

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